If I am going to start a new blog that is all about my view of the world, I think a good introductory blog would be an overview of a typical day for me. As you will see (should you be crazy enough to continue reading), my life is not glamorous, sexy or exciting. However, it is also not dull, empty or terrible. So, I’ll take it J
A Typical Day: Jenni Style
5AM: Startled awake by a 5 year old shouting, “Mama. Is it 7 yet? When can we get up?” I open one eye, mumble something about children not waking up before the birds and try to fall back asleep. It’s not as easy as you may think as now the cats are awake and are staring at me…incessantly. Creepy.
6AM: Started awake by my alarm which I attempt to turn off as quickly as possible lest it wake up the children. I tiptoe out of bed trying to not disturb the 5 year old who, of course, is now sleeping peacefully. I also try to avoid waking the pit bull/german shepherd sleeping under my bed and the black lab sleeping on the floor beside my bed. I am only successful 10% of the time. The other 90% of the time results in some combination of me stepping on the nose or tail of the pit bull (why she can’t tuck them completely under the bed, I just don’t know), trying to step over the black lab only to have her jump up dramatically as if she just realized that she is late for work and/or the 5 year old shooting straight up in bed and shouting in his very loud morning voice, “Mama! You just woke me up!” Sorry kid. I tried my best but may I draw your attention to what happened at 5AM when YOU woke ME up. After making it out of bed, I stumble into the bathroom where the two cats begin meowing loudly so that I will turn on the sink, thus allowing them to drink straight from the faucet. The one faucet. They then proceed to punch each other as they jockey for first dibs at the flowing water. No joking here. This is my real life. If I have survived this far, I am rewarded with a lukewarm shower since in the winter it takes too far too long for hot water to flow through the pipes in our house.
6:30AM: Get dressed, blow dry hair and do a quick prayer that I won’t find a lovely pile of dog poop on my dining room floor. My prayers are answered a good 50% of the time. Apparently my dogs prefer pooping on tile floors over grass. In their defense, we haven’t seen grass in our yard since December. It’s all a nasty combination of old snow and ice. So, I really can’t blame them too much. Though as I clean their poop I do silently (ok, vocally) curse the little mutts. Truthfully I’ll take poop on the floor over pee as tile floors + pee + uneven floor = a maze of pee all over my dining room.
6:55AM: Get to see one or both of my children as they walk down the stairs with their blankies in tow. My heart breaks as I put on my coat and prepare to leave them for the next 12 ½ hours for Job #1. I’m either ignored by them or there are tears and tantrums. There’s no in between. Either way, my work day starts with me momentarily pausing before opening my front door and wondering if I shouldn’t just flush the whole career thing down the toilet and stay home with my children. Then I remember what life was like when I was laid off, unemployed and pregnant with my second child and realize that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. With a dramatic sigh, I heave open my front door and try my best to make it across my lawn and into my car without slipping on an ice patch. So far, I have achieved 100% success. (Someday I’ll share my PTSD story about slipping on the ice.)
7:00AM: Try to see over the 8 foot high snow bank at the end of my driveway as I pull into oncoming traffic and drive to the nearest dunkin donuts for a shot of caffeine. Sadly, I don’t like coffee. I’ve tried it every which way imaginable and still can’t stand it. So, it’s a medium iced tea with lemon and 1 sugar for me. Somehow the first sip always settles my nerves and begins preparing me for my day. I tune in to NPR to stimulate my brain Opie and Anthony on my XM Radio for mindless, inappropriate, highly offensive banter. (What can I say? I’m not perfect.)
7:30-8:00AM: Depending on the day, weather conditions and which train pass I have in my possession, I drive to a train station where I promptly do my makeup in my car. Yes. I am the crazy lady sitting in my car doing my makeup. If I did it at home I would then run the risk of missing my train if I ever hit traffic or a major hurricane or UFO landing. (You should know that I may have a bit of an anxiety problem. I also need to arrive at airports 1 ½ hours to 2 hours before my DOMESTIC flight or else I get worried that a freak snafu will create an impossibly long security line. If I recognize my craziness it somehow becomes endearing, right? Right?)
8:45AM: Arrive at South Station and s-l-o-w-l-y make my way through the train station with the rest of the cattle herd, (there will be a separate blog about my commute at a later date), play a rousing game of Frogger in the streets of Boston and make it to my office by 9AM.
9AM-6PM: Send/Receive no less than 100 emails with clients and coworkers. Talk about semen, eggs, embryos and people’s “biology.” Review crudely drawn medical diagrams of lady bits and boobs. Help people unite to make a family. Get yelled at for not having superhuman powers. Gorge myself on chocolate to deal with the stress of the day. At least my week in the office gets to end with wine and beer in the office with coworkers.
7:00PM: Arrive back at my car, blast pop/hip hop music. You know when you roll up to a red light and some annoying chick in the car next to you is playing her music so loud, you can FEEL it in your car? Hi! That’s me!!
7:30PM: Pull into my driveway and feel settled for the first time in 12 ½ hours. Rush inside to see my children where my youngest son usually growls at me and my oldest son gives me something a bit more meaningful than a nod. The dogs run at me full force and spin around in crazy circles, begging for me to pat their tummies and heads (and take them outside and feed them something delicious). The cats glower at me for leaving them home with the dogs all day. Clearly they believe they are entitled to day long kitty spa services at a quiet location complete with free flowing faucet water, endless catnip and glorious rays of sunshine in which they can bask all day. Instead they spend most of the day avoiding screaming children and crazy dogs.
7:45PM: Sing “Heigh Ho” as we all schlep up the stairs to my bedroom. The boys have already been bathed by this point and are in their pajamas thanks to wonderful babysitters (or, depending on the night, their wonderful dad), so we pile into my bed to read some nice educational books watch Spongebob Squarepants. We chat about the day and just snuggle. Even the dogs join us. J
8:00PM: Tuck the two year old into bed, making sure that the Mickey Mouse is on his right side, his teddy bear is on his left side, his pillow pet is fur side down and head side up, his comforter is straight and under his arms and his blankie is neatly placed across his arms. (Hmmm…where could this child have learned such neurotic behavior??? Couldn’t be from me.) It’s usually about this time that a happy little tear escapes from my eye as I shut off his light, whisper “sweet dreams” and realize that even though I was with him for only a teeny tiny fraction of his life today, he survived, is happy and still loves me. I’m showing him that a woman can be a loving mother and have a career she enjoys. At least, that’s what I tell myself to keep from going crazy. I close his door, always with a huge dopey grin on my face as my heart swells with love. I then tuck my oldest into his bed, first being sure to talk about our #1 High for the day and our #1 Low for the day. We each have to share. And ever since that scary dream about a wolf he had last spring, I now need to place my hand on his head and send him some good dreams.
8:15PM-11PM: Scarf down dinner that my amazing husband prepared for me before he left for work and settle into Job #2, teaching online. If it’s a good night, this should only take 30 minutes. If I have papers to grade, we’re looking at 2-4 hours. I try to save grading papers for days when I didn’t have Job #1. This means that my weekend is usually filled with grading papers. This evening time is also spent checking emails and doing leftover work from Job #1. Once all the work is done, I usually have some time for reading and/or watching tv.
11PM: Head towards my front door, thus tripping a silent alarm that only my dogs seem to be able to hear. They shoot up from wherever they were sleeping and head full speed towards the front door where the pit bull does her happy dance and doesn't allow me to attach her lease because she is being so spastic. Trudge outside with the dogs where the dogs sniff the snow/grass and try to find the perfect spot to go potty. I spend what feels to be hours of my life saying, "Come on, girls. Let's pick a spot. Any spot. Please pee. How about a poopy? Anytime now. Girls, let's go. Seriously? Just pee already!"
Head back inside and into bed where at some point in the night, I am awoken no less than 3 times by some combination of a sleep-talking toddler, a dream-growling dog, a cat fight, a 5 year old who has to pee and/or a snoring husband.
And that, my new bloggy buddies, is a typical day in the life of me. :)
You are amazing. And freaking hilarious!
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